Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Sick and Tired

I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired. Sick and tired of this government. Sick and tired of the economy. Sick and tired of the health care system. Sick and tired of sitting here feeling like we as a people of this so called wonderful country that we live in, struggling, hurting, depressed, homeless, sick and cant afford to get medical treatment, can barely live paycheck to paycheck and wondering when something majorly wrong will happen and bring us under, some already there. I don't understand why our government, the ones that are supposed to be looking out for us, protecting us has let it get so bad, people are getting so desperate that sooner or later, we will start turning on each other. Is that what the government has planned all along? Who knows but it feels like that is what is happening.

I sat here on my computer tonight, filling out form after form after form for free samples. FREE SAMPLES! For anything, anything free, I'll take! Everything is so damn expensive I cant afford the name brand stuff, so why not, I can get some name brand samples. It just made me sad, It made me mad. I am not even as bad off as a lot of people out there, I am thankful for the things that I do have but for all of us, its hard, some harder.

I hope that things change, I want to be optimistic, to dream of a better day to come soon, for all of us. Pray that it does.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Getting away!

Oh my goodness, talk about excited! I am soo excited to tell you, I am going on a trip soon, with my sister, yep, we are going to Texas to see my Mom and my Dad. I have not seen them in a year and a half so I am missing them terribly.

I have to start by saying that I am going without children, remember I have four of them if you have read my other blogs then you know, I am with them 24/7. They are my life. Needless to say my husband knows that I need a break and he knows that I need to see my parents, so he is helping make it possible for me to go.

I am also going with my sister which is also very very exciting, we have not ever gone anywhere together so it will be extra fun to share a life experience with each other, chill and relax for a few days.

I will miss my kiddos but my husband will be taking care of them so I will not be stressed about them at all. I will enjoy every minute. They will be so glad to see me when I get back, maybe enough that they will appreciate me for at least the first few days of being back home.

Oh boy, the next month could not come soon enough for me but it will give me something to look forward too.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Feeling Sorry For Myself

Okay well today I'm just going to feel sorry for me. I feel so taken advantage of sometimes, by my kids and my husband. I know my husband works hard but for god sakes, when he gets off of work he just wants to be done with his day. My kids just constantly tell me what they want, throw a fit if I don't get it for them and all heck hits the fan if they have to wait a second.

My husband comes home from work today, I had been cooking for about an hour, I was trying out a new recipe. I needed to get my daughter to the dentist at five so I was hurrying. I made everyone a plate, rushed my daughter to eat and get her teeth brushed and off we went running out the door to get there on time. I did not even get a chance to eat my dinner that I had spent a total of and hour and a half cooking, I would have to eat it when I got home and heat it up.

I got home to my husband letting me know that he had spent the whole time cleaning up the kitchen and the kids and was ready to go sit down that his day should be over. Okay, yes he had worked all day, hmmm I did too, but did I have to hear about oh how much he did and that he should be able to sit down. Maybe I'm wrong here but this is not a secluded incident, he tell me a lot about how much he does and for some reason it is just expected that dinner needs to be made and the cleaning just needs to be done and oh he expects his laundry to be cleaned to. I am just not positive that he knows it is me doing all of those things, I think he might believe a little fairy comes and magically takes care of all of those things.

I feel like the only way for them to see how much I do is for me to be gone for a few days, maybe after a few days they will be more appreciative of me and everything that I do. I know I'm not alone out there with this same issue, most of us women that have a husband or significant other and children that have felt this same thing a time or two, or possibly every single day. Not sure what century we live in but last I checked it was not the 18th century anymore. Fifty/Fifty that is what I believe in and that is what I expect, not that it will ever be that in my world but that is what I consistently work to get my husband to understand.

He thinks that I'm lucky he does anything that most men hang out with the guys do there own thing and he doesn't.......well good for them but he is not even going to go there with me. For me its a headache to have a man around most of the time anyways, we pick up after them, we eventually will have to wipe there asses for them, well I'll tell ya, I've wiped my fair share of butts in my life and am not looking forward to that day. Either way sometimes I just fantasize what it would be like to just be single again without the headache of a man. Oh don't worry, I wont be doing that but doesn't mean I don't think about it, I am human. I share children with him and I am a firm believer that both parents should be there for the kids on an every day basis. I have an older child from my first marriage and know the aggravation and the heartache it has been for my son.

I am bitching but its not because I don't love my husband because I do. He is one of my best friends and I know that even if he is acts like a man most of the time that he loves me more than almost anyone on this earth, so for that I'll grow old with him probably bitching the whole way but lord knows what all these men are saying when they are with their buddies about there wives, Ive heard a few stories and men are not very nice either about us women, if you know what I mean.

Okay well Ive vented for today on that subject, I'll leave it at that. The person that said Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus was soooooo right.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Obsessed Husband

Okay, a little venting right now. I don't want to sound selfish but writing is my way of venting my frustrations. My husband does work very hard for this family. He pretty much gives me anything I want within reason of course. I am definitely not one of those women who get to order out of the expensive catalogs or has all the coordinating colors throughout my house (no offense if you are one of those women) I'm just not, money has never been that good. Saying that though we have nice things and we live comfortably.

Now back to the venting part, he has an obsession with dirt bikes. I know...a lot of guys have hobbies or obsessions right...well, sometimes I think that is all he thinks about, dreams about, talks about. I guess he loved dirt bikes when he was a kid, he thinks that if he was more free to ride when he was younger and given more opportunities when he was younger that he might have become professional (possibly). Well of course after we had been together for awhile he decided to buy a dirt bike, now remember he had not ridden in years but he wants one. Okay, did not sound like a big deal.

Well that was just the beginning to what has become my life now. One dirt bike after another, buying one, riding it, working on it, buying parts after parts, until he would sell that one and buy another to just start the whole procedure over. He needs this and he needs that, he needs gear too, I'll tell you, it all adds up, big time. He has a membership at a track that he pays for yearly too. Anyways the point being that this little hobby of his that started out small has become a pretty big expense.

Now he doesn't own a new dirt bike, like brand new, so he always kinda holds it against me I feel because he makes little comments like well mommy gets the new vehicle so daddy cant afford a payment on a new bike. Which in my opinion is a bunch of you know what because this vehicle he speaks of is a van that gets our whole family around, including him, we take it on trips, its safe and oh yeah he drives it too, but somehow its just mine when he refers to what I have and what he doesn't have.

With all this said and the aggravation of this alone, I have to hear about the dirt bike, about this part or that part or if he does this to it or that to it. If he goes riding he tells me every little detail about everything, he goes on and on and on....get the picture? On top of that, every dirt bike event that is on T.V. gets DVR'd, which is fine but he plays the same races over and over again, I say, didn't you already see this race? He says yeah but I'm trying to learn......for what? his professional racing career? (no sarcasm there)

I'll tell ya, he cant listen to me more that 5-10 minutes about any one thing. He gets bored very quickly with anything I really have to say or anything that is going on in my life. It aggravates me because I listen to him goon and on about the same stuff over and over again. Well, until I finally snap and tell him to shut up, I cant take it anymore, sometimes he just ignores me and keeps talking and I'll say it louder, SHUT UP! PLEASE! Half the time I don't even understand what the heck he is talking about because its about parts and cylinders or whatever and I know nothing nor do I want to know anything about that shit, I don't care, its his thing. Just makes me crazy when he cant even give me even half of the respect that I give him by listening to me just a little.

Whew....that feels better, hope you hung in there to listen longer than my husband
does :)

Frustration with Collection Agencies

So quick they are about reporting to credit bureau's. We have all had trouble at least some point in our lives. But if they are actually in the wrong, if something was put on our credit by them and it is found that it was a mistake by the initial biller. They don't care, they call, act like your lying, this is your bill and you need to pay it.

I got one of those phone calls just last week, yep, a man by the name of Scott. A real prick he was, but I guess they are trained to be that way. Sure enough though he calls my house, he asked for my husband, I let him know that he is not here but can I help, he states that he spoke with my husband back in October the following year, that my husband told him that we were filling bankruptcy. Oh lord, I just about lost it, number one, I know we don't owe anyone a debt, we are very particular about making sure our bills are paid, haven't always been this way but have for a long time. Anyway, I knew he was not speaking of my husband, he said that it was a collections for a surgery my husband had in 2005, he never had surgery....he gave a address we never lived at...he gave a phone number we never had. I informed him all this information was wrong, he said well I just called you on this phone number, I said you did not call me on the number that you just repeated to me, that is not my home phone number, he kept insisting in his rude way that I was wrong and that basically made me feel like I was lying. I gave him my phone number, I told him I was hanging up, that he could try to call me on that other number but would not reach me. He called back let me know it was some automatic calling system, blah blah blah. Anyway, I told him that this was all wrong ... made him give me the original billing info so to call and find out what was going on.

I call original biller, she knew right away my panic, afraid this was fraud, someone used my husbands credit info.it happens. She said that she would go to the warehouse .. pull the file and call me back to let me know what happened. I of course immediately start pulling my husbands credit bureaus online, the only one I was able to view of course was expirian, sure enough this collection was on my husbands credit. I was steamed. Finally received a call from the original biller, sure enough it was just a mistake, she did not know how it happened just that it was a mistake. She was very sorry and was going to contact the collection bureau immediately to let them know. I called of course the collection agency immediately to let Mr. Scott know, of course he would not take my call, I let the girl know that took the message who I spoke to with the original biller, that they could contact her, it was a mistake but that they would need to contact the credit bureaus immediately to get this collection removed. This is their job, they have to do it, and I don't trust them, they don't really care about what it has done to our credit at all, this has been on my husbands credit for a couple years.

Now days later, I start getting copies of my husbands credit bureau reports and sure enough there it is, the collection agencies name. So I call again for Mr Scott Evans, he says, he has reported it to get removed but that it was no fault of theirs that this happened, very rudely. I simply stated, it was no fault of mine, or my husbands. Needless to say, I did not feel like he treated me right even after knowing what I have had to go through because of this. At least a yes, we sure do apologize for all of the inconvenience and we are trying to help with getting it taken care of, just a prick on the other end of the phone. I did call back and let his supervisor know of his rudeness and at least she let me vent and explained what they did and for me to call if I did not see that it was removed in a couple weeks.

Good God what does a person have to do to stay protected in this world. Seems like a fight every which way you turn. Credit bureaus and collections agencies, so quick to point blame just not very quick to take it back if they pointed in the wrong direction.

Not Knowing

Not knowing what my position in life is other than being a mom and a wife. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing more for me.

Not knowing what I am supposed to do for my future, when my kids get older.. what am I supposed to be.

I am trying to figure it out, I think about it all the time. I have a passion for writing, I love it actually. I think people don't think I'm smart enough or that it is a silly thing. I don't know, maybe it is, my husband actually bought me this laptop computer because I think he knows I want to do this, I don't know that he actually believes that it is something serious, but for me it is.

There are things that I want to do, I would like to be a personal assistant, I can do a lot, take care of things that maybe someone else does not have the time to do. I am a get it done type of person, I hate housecleaning, so that is one area that I would not be a get it done type of person. My house is clean but that does not mean I like cleaning it. I can though .. get on the phone to take care of dealing with insurance companies, bills...problem type, love it. I also can run errands and shop.

The other thing I am good at is collections, I worked in collections years ago in an office, I speak to people very well, but also in a way that when needed I can get down to business and make it clear that they need to take care of their part in taking care of their bill. I wish that I could possibly work for a company that I can work from home and collect on their behalf so that I can still be there for my children.

There are so many things that my mind thinks about when I think of my future, sometimes keeping me up at night. Because I love writing, I am going to start doing just that, it tends to help relieve the stress, to be able to write it all down, I get it out and I can let it go.

I think that I can help people, I know that by my life experiences that if I share them and make people feel safe sharing theirs that I can find happiness in life. That I will be able to find my calling in life. I can hope, nothing wrong with that, nothing anyone can do to take that away if I don't allow it.

Acceptance? From someone that doesn't deserve it?

Why I continue to look for acceptance from the woman that gave birth to me. I still as an adult cannot for the life of me figure out why I still care. She has done nothing my whole life except love and hate me. Either care what is going on in my life or not care less.

The way that she has lived her life is nothing to look up to...or be proud of. She has nothing to show for her life and to me nothing to be proud of. She does not deserve to be able to be proud of her children. We have not had her to guide and direct us. I'm not even sure why she still lives every day with knowing what kind of person she is.

My brothers unfortunately only had her and their loser dad. He wasn't always a loser though, for a long time he had stopped drinking and was a good father to them. He had my crazy mother always around though so eventually, he started drinking again so to loser ville he went. They lost everything, started drinking heavily and doing drugs. My brothers were still so young, they still needed a mother and a father to guide and direct them but were left to grow up fast and figure life out on there own. They of course are still trying to figure it out but are growing up and are now daddy's so they are slowly but surely getting it figured out, still have a ways to go but considering the circumstances they could have turned out worse. As for my sister, somehow, she has been able to emotionally remove herself from caring either way about our mom.

She still has a lot of issues with trust and with emotionally being able to handle things but as she grows older is becoming a very strong individual, mother and woman. Someone who I am proud of and am glad to have next to me as we grow older.

As for me, well I continue to struggle. I have continued to try to be there for her, she has been left at times by herself with no on around to even care about her. She of course brought those things on herself. Saying that though I have continued to try to be that person for her to vent to but also that person to give it to her straight. The only thing is ....when she has others around her, like her ex husband, she doesn't care about me at all, she does not have the time to call me, just to check up on me or anything. Why should I care?? She has him kissing her butt, doing all the things she needs someone else to do because she is to lazy to do anything herself. I am just trying to not care whether I speak to her or not, whether she wants to talk to me or not. I am trying to get to the point where I don't care. To not have a heart where she is concerned. She does not deserve my love, she definitely does not deserve me being the least bit bothered by her.

Love for my daughter :

My heart aches for her, my beautiful daughter DeLaynie. No fault of hers she was born with bells palsy, a facial paralysis. Some might think of it not being a very big deal, if you were around her and have watched her grow the way I have over the last seven years you would see what a very big deal it has become for her.

Bells palsy, I will explain a bit of what I know it to be, you might have only heard of older people waking up one morning and one side of there face not moving, most of the time in those cases movement comes back. In my daughters case she was born with this, her pediatrician at the time of her birth thought that it would go away within a week, it did not. She went to all the specialist within the first six months of her life, and in the end for them just to tell me that it could have been caused by trauma at birth or possibly the nerve just never developed. Bells palsy is what they call it when the seventh nerve in the face does not work, the seventh nerve moves your mouth to make it smile or frown, it controls your eye so that you can wink or blink. My beautiful daughter cannot do that, Ive always said she has the Elvis Presley smile, (I love Elvis) anyways her little smile is crooked .. only one side responding to that emotion.

Over the last seven years she has lost a bit of muscle tone to that side of the face so her eye droops just a bit, she suffers from lack of self esteem, other kids ask her questions about what is wrong with her face. It makes her sad, she wants to have a normal smile, she cries sometimes about it, she wants her face to be like everyone else's. It tear's me up inside, to see her cry, to see her pain, as her mother its like I feel it in the pit in my stomach and in my heart.

The plastic surgeon at Children's Mercy here locally in Kansas City said that they really could not do anything for her to fix it, the way that I understood it is that they were continuing research and might have something in the future, I had gone back once a year to see if anything had come about yet that would help her but they kept telling me the same thing. With the trouble she was having after she turned six... with the crying and the insecurity I felt I had to do something as a mother for her, I just could not understand with all the medical technology that was out there that nothing could be done for my daughter, I just did not want to accept that.

I started making phone calls, all over the city to plastic surgeons, explaining my daughters situation and that I was desperate to find someone to help her. After talking to about a dozen different offices, I received a call back from one in particular that had spoken to her plastic surgeon that said there was a surgery, it was called cross facial nerve grafting, he had done the surgery once but not on a child but knew of a surgeon that specialized in this surgery and referred that doctor. This plastic surgeon was located in St Louis, about four hours from me, I of course called immediately, they needed to get all of my daughters medical records and see what doctor would be the one to take her case. I received a phone call a couple days later from the doctors nurse to tell me that they wanted to set up an appointment with the doctor that wanted to take her case on. The only doctor in Missouri that specialized in this surgery for children. One of the happiest days of my life, the day I had hope for my beautiful daughter.

She is now getting ready to go into the second stage of the cross facial nerve graft, its in March. She did really well in the first part, the second part to the surgery is at a higher level of difficulty, the recovery is going to be a lot more than the first surgery but I know that the Lord God above will be watching over her and I have to put my trust in him that going through all of this is not for nothing and that it will work. It will be about 6 months after surgery before we will be able to see that big smile that I have been able to imagine on her face for a long time. Over time if we did not do this surgery, her face would continue to droop and she ... I know...would have such trouble with her own self esteem that it would just kill me to see her go through what I know she would have to deal with. You know...kids are so cruel now a days, they pick and pick and they don't care who they hurt, I just don't want my daughter to be the one hurt, so the sacrifices that we are making are for her future .. .to give her everything that we can to help her become the wonderful person that she can possibly become.

This is my love, my daughter, I would give her anything I could for her happiness and her future. She to me is so beautiful just the way she is, she knows that, I tell her that all the time, no matter what it is what is on the inside is what matters, that is where beauty comes from. I am not doing all of this because I want to teach her that she has to be as beautiful as possible, I know this is something that she needs to have done but in the end, no matter what she is still going to be as beautiful to me then as she is now.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Kudos To Us Moms

I think that being an at home mom is such an important job. I will say that we don't get the recognition that we should though; it is hard, stressful and sometimes very lonely. Our lives become very repetitious and I know that sometimes I lose site of my purpose.

I feel like we don't get the kudos that we need to from others around us, we don't have a boss to give us a pat on the back or a raise for that matter so sometimes we just need to give ourselves kudos and each other, all of us at home moms, caregivers, housewives, we are important.

We as a group need to give each other a pat on the back and know that we appreciate each other and know exactly what we are going through, we can understand each other to the fullest. I can say thank you to you all and myself for being there every second for our kids.

It is worth it when they come up to us and give us a great big kiss and hug, it feels so good, we need to just breathe in those moments. They will grow up and come back to us when they are older and they need a hug and a kiss, It will be us mom's they look for to give it to them!!!!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Getting the poison out

Have you ever had a person in your life that is nothing but poison to your life. Its like taking a pill that makes you sick. Well I have one of those people ... I'm not sure why I allow her to even be a part of my life so that she can cause me pain.

Its my biological mom, I have lots of stories in regards to this woman but for just this story I'm just going to express this sickness inside me that she makes me feel.

Talking to this woman is such a downer most of the time. She is so negative, usually she has nothing good to say, she treats people badly so then in turn people treat her badly. She has no respect for people around her so she in turn gets no respect. The point of this is that my brothers that continue to deal with her every now and then and her ex husband that comes in and out of her life, as long as everything is going her way with them she has no need for me. As long as they are kissing her butt, doing what she wants them to do then when I call on the phone she doesn't act like she has the time to talk on the phone, that she could care less what is going on with me or my kids.

Now when things change and they have all gotten into some fight over her ex drinking or Danny going off the wall, Danny is my brother, then the first person she calls to vent to is me...the one she wants to take all her crap and dump it on is me. It drives me insane. I don't know why I allow it. I cant figure out why I even care. Why should I care if when I call she cares to talk to me....she has always been a piece of crap of a person and mother.

I need to find a way to get her out of my life and be okay with that. She has never earned my love .. trust..or my friendship. She has been nothing but a poison to me and I need to get the poison out.

Family Tree

I think that first you have to understand my family tree so that you know when reading my stories who I am talking about. It can be confusing so I thought this might help explain.

Okay well first I was born : bio-mom & bio-dad = me and my younger sister

Then the divorce & both remarried : bio-mom & step pop (could'nt ever call him dad or father)

Bio-dad & step mom (the one that raised me, she gets the real mom title)

Then the siblings : my step mom (I hate to refer her to that but just for this explanation) she ha a son already my step brother

More siblings born from my bio-dad & step mom : two more brothers, bringing this total in this half of the family to a whopping five! Me, my sister, my step brother & my two half brothers

More siblings born from my bio-mom & step pop : two more brothers, bringing this total in this half of the family to a whopping four! Me, my sister and my two half brothers

A point I want to make sure is clear also before reading my stories, I was raised by my dad and my step mom who I will refer to as my mom. My bio-mom, I will only refer to her as my bio-mom or cheryl because that is all she was to me. She had visitation of me and my sister but we did not live with her, we were disposable to her. My step mom who raised me is who I refer to as my mom, although our relationship has not always been at its altime high like it is now, she made me the person I am today she is the one I give props to as to the person I have become.

Thank you

An Introduction to my world

My name is Shannon, I am 35 years old, married and a mother of four. I've had a lot different experiences in life, a lot of hard lessons and a lot of hard times.

Sometimes feeling very alone like there was no one out there to listen to me, no one that could understand or even care how I was feeling. I am an at home mother and have been for the last four years almost. I am a very outgoing person and can talk a lot, so for me to be at home with nothing but children to talk to over the last four years I usually drive people crazy who call to talk for a minute, trying to get a word in edgewise and knowing that when they call I'm going to talk their ear off.

I have always had this passion inside me for writing, always felt like I had a lot to say, always felt like I had a lot to give to others through my life and my heart. I have also always felt like there wasn't anywhere or anyone that I could just tell everything to or feel completely safe with. The reason for that is I have felt the feeling of abandonment many many times in my life so I have a very difficult time letting myself get to close to anyone. Trust is a big issue for me because of the hurt that has been caused by people in my life that should only have protected me.

Writing is my out, it is a way that I feel like I can express myself, say what I need to say and feel safe doing it. That is the point of my blog, as a mother .. we share a lot of trials and tribulations, a lot of times feeling very alone.

I will share my stories, I will share my trials, tribulations and frustrations. I hope that you enjoy reading, feel free to comment and give me feedback.