Friday, February 29, 2008

Acceptance? From someone that doesn't deserve it?

Why I continue to look for acceptance from the woman that gave birth to me. I still as an adult cannot for the life of me figure out why I still care. She has done nothing my whole life except love and hate me. Either care what is going on in my life or not care less.

The way that she has lived her life is nothing to look up to...or be proud of. She has nothing to show for her life and to me nothing to be proud of. She does not deserve to be able to be proud of her children. We have not had her to guide and direct us. I'm not even sure why she still lives every day with knowing what kind of person she is.

My brothers unfortunately only had her and their loser dad. He wasn't always a loser though, for a long time he had stopped drinking and was a good father to them. He had my crazy mother always around though so eventually, he started drinking again so to loser ville he went. They lost everything, started drinking heavily and doing drugs. My brothers were still so young, they still needed a mother and a father to guide and direct them but were left to grow up fast and figure life out on there own. They of course are still trying to figure it out but are growing up and are now daddy's so they are slowly but surely getting it figured out, still have a ways to go but considering the circumstances they could have turned out worse. As for my sister, somehow, she has been able to emotionally remove herself from caring either way about our mom.

She still has a lot of issues with trust and with emotionally being able to handle things but as she grows older is becoming a very strong individual, mother and woman. Someone who I am proud of and am glad to have next to me as we grow older.

As for me, well I continue to struggle. I have continued to try to be there for her, she has been left at times by herself with no on around to even care about her. She of course brought those things on herself. Saying that though I have continued to try to be that person for her to vent to but also that person to give it to her straight. The only thing is ....when she has others around her, like her ex husband, she doesn't care about me at all, she does not have the time to call me, just to check up on me or anything. Why should I care?? She has him kissing her butt, doing all the things she needs someone else to do because she is to lazy to do anything herself. I am just trying to not care whether I speak to her or not, whether she wants to talk to me or not. I am trying to get to the point where I don't care. To not have a heart where she is concerned. She does not deserve my love, she definitely does not deserve me being the least bit bothered by her.

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